“if there’s anything i’ve learned/am learning the most recently it is this: EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS DIFFERENT. everything is constantly changing so comparing the last five minutes to the last five years of your life etc is a good way to not get anything done. work so hard you fall asleep at the kitchen table, & then run away into the woods for a week if you can & will & want to. LIVE WITHOUT FEAR IN YOUR HEART AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.
om namah shiva, amen.”—You Are Remarkable
“IMPORTANT: Sometimes, despite your charm, intelligence, and great good looks, there will be people you’re attracted to who are not attracted to you. The reason he, she or they said no may have very little to do with you. Let go and move on. Someone just as neat or better is out there looking for you.”—Kate Bornstein in her fantastic book, Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws
I think it’s about time I acquired a copy of My Gender Workbook.
I’d consider myself 98% superfemme, girly girl, foxy lady, natural woman, etc. etc.
But there is a part of me that really digs being dashing & charming & dapper in a boys’ shirt & tie.
Step 1: Accept that They don’t love you; They’re not interested; it’s never going to happen.
Step 2: Acknowledge all the many many reasons why They are, in fact, wrong for you; why it’s better this way. (Make sure these reasons are legitimate & genuine.)
Step 3: Appreciate what you have, instead of pining for what you don’t.
Other helpful tips:
-Release any fears of embarrassing yourself in front of Them. If you don’t fear embarrassment then you’ll never be embarrassed.
-Ingrain this truth into your psyche: Their not liking you has ultimately nothing to do with YOU - everyone has specialized, unique tastes & you are still lovable even if They don’t love you.
-Release ANY & ALL lingering “false hope” regarding this specific person, because it will only serve to remind you of what you don’t have, thus warding off what you want. Redirect that hope toward the world at large - i.e. don’t think, “I hope Tim falls in love with me,” think, “Someone awesome is going to fall in love with me!”
-Revisit or find other sources of emotional gratification. Your interactions with Them should bring you joy but should never be the only interactions that do so.
-Be constantly working on your self-love, in every arena.
-weird & delightful romantic dreams about the expected & the unexpected, the famous & the commonplace. (e.g. jim halpert; penn badgley; a boy who died 3 years ago; a boy i see all the time but would never, ever date.)
-remembering Jill. we all helped, & continue to help, each other get through this difficult time. family togetherness. having & holding a firm belief that death is just a reunion with the infinite love from whence we emerged.
-comforting traditions, like going for coffee with my improv team after practice (which usually leads to regurgitating sexual anecdotes & gossiping about other people’s improv skills).
-the little things: pine-scented shampoo; big bowls of buttered peas; cinnamon dolce lattes; having a deliciously full calendar; my bright lime green bra; late night incoherence; scathing, smart documentaries; british accents; heavy eyelids at the appropriate time…
-SCHOOL TOURS = performing incredibly goofy improv for children; pumping our fists in the air to the dance company’s numbers; groovin’ to the band’s songs; warming up in echoey hallways & sketchy back rooms; ending every show with a huge latin-jazz dance party; public transit adventures; hysterical effervescent laughter; everyone getting on the same bus & riding back to school together in a psyched-up daze.
-reframing an unrequited attraction so it goes from “source of neverending pain” to “source of neverending excitement & joy.” also known as: a crush feels good so focus on THAT & you’ll feel about a zillion times better.
-when i write in my journal late at night while really tired, & then reread it the next day to find silly exhaustion evidence like “tonight i watched sitcoms with my sitmom, hahaha.”
-anniversaries of legendary dates in my personal mythology. (there is a somewhat big one coming up on saturday. i will probably make a video to commemorate it.) it is immensely liberating to realize: this day last year, i was fucking miserable over something that seems incredibly small & insignificant now - therefore, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
-the phrase “smashed in the arms of rapture,” which is from a shane koyczan poem. it really describes how i feel much of the time.
“Make a radical change in your lifestyle & begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances & yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, & conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, & hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new & different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security & adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning & its incredible beauty.”—Jon Krakauer
1. Starting questions with “riddle me this”
e.g. “Riddle me this: what time is your birthday party at?”
2. Ending statements with “…secretly”
e.g. “Today I wrote a new song that’s kind of awful… secretly.”
“I think her haircut looks really bad… secretly.”
3. Using dinosaurs as examples for everything
e.g. “Ugh, the weather’s gross today.” “You know what ELSE is gross? Dinosaurs!”
4. Saying “ridiculous” a lot, to mean almost anything (I still do this)
e.g. “We did the WORST scenes today. It was ridiculous.”
“I ate SO much sushi. It was ridiculous.”
“I look ridiculous.” (which could be a good, bad, or neutral thing, depending on… anything)
5. Adding “for some reason” to a statement, even when I know the reason, because it makes the sentence seem less committal
e.g. “I just, uh, really like your outfit for some reason!”
“I just watched 3 hours of The O.C. for some reason…”
6. Saying “basically,” “honestly,” “actually” & “completely” a lot
e.g. “It was basically like, honestly the worst show I’ve ever seen… actually.”
“Honestly, she was wearing basically the same thing I wore last week - it looked completely ridiculous*.”
7. Saying “stoked,” “psyched,” “pumped,” & “excited” a lot, basically interchangeably
e.g. “Next week is school tours - I’m SOOOO stoked!! No, really, I’m super pumped.”
“I am so ridiculously* psyched for this party. Way too excited, man.”
*These instances of “ridiculous(ly)” were used on purpose to prove that #4 still has a hold on me.
This was the first & only band I’ve been in that has actually been… not terrible. It showed me that I actually am capable of songwriting collaborations. They’re not my preferred method (for whatever reason, there is still a great magic that arises when it’s just me & a notebook & my instruments in my room) but they are a possibility & that is freeing.
How is it that I absolutely DETEST the fact that sleep is necessary to my existence, & yet I seem to be known amongst my friends as “the lazy one who, about 63% of the time you telephone her, will be half-asleep when she answers the phone”?
Seasonal Affective Disorder bites, dude.
Also, I just uninstalled my Twitter widget thing on this blawg because it was allowing STRANGERS TO READ MY SECRETS!! (Many thanks to the anonymous angel who informed me of this travesty.)
I am in such a weird mood & am probably going to stay up all night finishing this art project, which is really fucking dumb because I have my first day of school tours tomorrow. Oh well, sleep is for wusses, & triple venti lattes are for artistic warriors like you & I!
(Yeah, definitely in a weird mood. I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.)
1. Explore, expand, and share your talents. Those things you can do that are special and magical and uniquely yours? Those are meant to be swept out into the world. Always be improving yourself, and don’t be afraid to allow others to witness those improvements. That might mean playing your songs for the people they’re about, or painting portraits of your friends, or putting on a play for your community – whatever it is, it’s really important that you hone your skills and use them to make other people happy. That joy will come back to you in spades.
2. Be nice to everyone. True, this is difficult sometimes… very difficult. But just keep in mind that even those you perceive as your enemies are just trying to live their lives and be as happy as possible. Leave criticisms and judgments to critics and judges. Be a little more accepting, a little kinder – it will lead you to unexpectedly wonderful places.
3. Say yes often, but be able to say no. Open your world up bigger whenever you can. Scout out opportunities and accept the ones that scout you out, if you have even the slightest inkling that they could improve you or bring you joy. However, don’t say yes to everything – it will only exhaust you in the end.
4. Listen to your body. Eat when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Move around when you need to. Spend time in silence when you need to. Don’t push yourself if you find your body is pushing back.
5. Surround yourself with beauty. Everyone has different aesthetic ideals, and it’s crucial to fill your world with things you find gorgeous. This could be art, music, décor, or just about anything else. You should be inundated with it. Your everyday environments should take your breath away.
6. Only spend time with people who inspire and uplift you. There’s no sense in wasting your time with people who bring you down or leave you feeling unhappy. It’s tough to make the decision to cut people out of your life, but sometimes, it is strictly necessary, and for their benefit as much as yours.
7. Do your very best to love yourself. That old adage about your relationship with yourself being the most important relationship you ever have is still very true. None of your relationships will be as satisfying or beneficial as they could be unless you love yourself enough that self-esteem issues cease to distract you from loving others.
8. Make your own decisions. When you let other people sway you into making choices that are unnatural to you, you aren’t doing anyone any favors. Everything you choose to do should be something that you honestly feel is useful to your existence.
9. Be honest. If you like someone, make sure they know it. Don’t keep secrets; they will be used against you later. Never let issues accumulate on your chest or you soon won’t be able to breathe.
10. Don’t let anyone take your joy away from you. You are the only one who can make the decision to be happy or to be unhappy. Every reaction is a choice. This may seem a strange concept to grasp initially, but it really is true. There is no reason why anyone or anything in your life should be able to bring you down.
Clasp your hands. She is not a precious stone. Remember you did not like holding hands because of the height difference. Buy ripe fruit with few bruises. Hum a sad song quickly. Bathe in vinegar. Lather in shea butter. Buy a new pen. When people ask you on dates, say yes, don’t pretend you can’t hear them. If you miss her, it only means you miss her. Remember that you won’t ever remember it right. Remember that you knew, long before you really knew, that it wasn’t meant to last. Spend your last ten dollars. Take-Out. Hair dye. Remember that you learned the definitions of “need” and “want” in grade 9 economics class from the teacher who was always drunk. Watch CSI Miami and cheer on Horatio. Go Horatio, you can love again Horatio. Nobody is thinking of you right now. Nobody is thinking of her, except you. Point your toes when you sit on the bus and your feet won’t touch the ground. Buy ingredients and put them together. Bathe in lavender. Disengage. Remember that you don’t remember. Hold your own hand.
“Each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness; to make the most of our talents; to NOT fit in; and most of all, to be true to ourselves. That’s the freedom that enriches all of us.”—President Obama
I have just entered into one of those moods where I want to stay up all night. I want to watch movies & write poetry & make art & eat cereal & cuddle my cat & play online Scrabble & flirt with internet suitors & torrent documentaries & guzzle coffee & blog too much & drown in nostalgia. I think I just might.
I am not a propaganda canvas,
Bleached and waiting for your masterpiece.
Nor am I a new, naïve, young vessel,
Cargo hold just begging to be filled.
I paint my own bright colours every day:
A visionary, indisputably.
Create the blueprints, then construct myself
With bricks and planks and brave tenacity.
If your epiphanies need propagation,
Go and find yourself a willing fool.
Go mine the world for armies weak of mind
And pump them full of silly plots and schemes.
So bugger off, you nuisance; leave me be:
I’m far too stubborn for your plans for me.
Transit Flashbacks (first draft of a micro-fiction piece for my writing course)
i. Nuit Blanche 2009. As fascinating as the Vanity Fair portraits at the ROM may be, they are not caffeinated, and it is 5AM. I salute my comrades and retreat to Museum station. It is deserted. The only way not to fall to a sleepy, dirty death on the tiled floor is to pace in a tight, heavy circle until the train arrives. I brandish my umbrella for protection against rapists who aren’t there. By the time I get home, I’ve grown a new anecdote to pull out whenever a conversation turns to sketchy nights out on the town.
ii. We barely know each other, but we both want out of that party, for not-altogether-dissimilar reasons. You lead the way to the bus stop on that sleepy Scarborough street corner. For the next forty-seven minutes, I sit beside you and watch suburbs race by. At first it’s awkward, but by the end of the trip I know the name of the hospital where your grandma died and you know my infamous blueberry cheesecake lube story, so I guess we do alright.
iii. Some otherwise forgettable day, headed westbound to Bathurst for some inconsequential reason. The World’s Most Gorgeous Dyke sits opposite me, calmly reading Nerve: Literate Smut, apparently completely oblivious that I am inwardly convulsing in lust just a few feet away. Later that week, my friend accuses me of being straight, and I laugh and laugh.
iv. Our plan – which, despite its goal of romantic spontaneity, is indeed a plan – is to take the streetcar from King station and get off at the first Starbucks we see. Huddling at the stop, I notice, “There’s a Starbucks right there!” but you gallantly shush me because you know how well-suited streetcars are for cuddling.
v. It’s six in the fucking morning and I have to go all the way to fucking Runnymede and no one should have to get up this fucking early and oh, wait, wow, that’s a beautiful view.