-Pokémon battles in bed
-Jeremy Messersmith’s music
-my new skin brush (mmm, exfoliation)
-vanilla body wash that makes me smell like cake batter
-laughing it off
-Halcyon’s magnificent videos
-summer as a time of spiritual growth & personal reflection (I am such a hippie)
-Twitter as a support system + hive mind
-radical self-love & the ability to find myself mindblowingly beautiful sometimes
-people who present alternative ideas of what life can/should be like
-sparkly, mind-altering love
-cuddling with Tru under a Mexican blanket while watching a really excellent movie
-planning Pride outfits
-my deeply ingrained, highly practiced knowledge that no one who spreads negativity is ever ever ever worth my time or attention
-ANTI-PROM! - my gorgeous friends, posing for pictures in my backyard jungle, fancy pasta & pizza at Il Fornello, “you are sparkly & awesome,” chocolate peanut butter ice cream, hurried subway rides, photobooth pictures, orange juice, Shakespeare soliliquies, vibraslap jam sessions
-people who take direction well
-mega-fuel breakfast of dark chocolate + a litre of water
-“spunchy cricy suchi”
-actually accomplishing things
-excess money lying around
-the postal strike has ended!
-New York voted yes on same-sex marriage! (New York knows that human rights are for cooligans)
-writing a mission statement for the summer
-Butch is a Noun
-STONEWALL! - dancing in the streets, getting covered in glitter, meeting our queeroes, straight kisses in the middle of a big gay party
-having cookies & lemonade with my beautiful, charming, clever ex-girlfriend at my favorite tea shop
-hilarious games of Scrabble with the boyf
-Sex is Fun
-“I don’t do it because I’m nice, I do it because I’m compelled!”
-quiet reading time
-a lime-scented bubble bath
1. Before you next wash your hair, put on some soothing music & give yourself a scalp massage. It’s better than it sounds, f’realz yo.
2. If you have a lover, ask them to bite you (gently) in places that can handle it. (If biting is already a part of your sensual repertoire, good on ya. Try ice or something else cuhrazy.)
3. Listen to a style of music you never or rarely listen to. (I’m currently jammin’ to this David Dallas album that Gala recommended.)
4. Memorize something about someone you love, something that is important to them but not especially significant to anyone else (e.g. their favorite gelato flavor, the obscure indie album that most influences their music, the name of their favorite teacher from elementary school) & make use of that knowledge in a way that gets them off guard.
5. Drink something from a container that is unconventional for that beverage. (e.g. Drink a cocktail from a Harry Potter mug, swill milk from a martini glass, or sip hot coffee from a champagne flute.)
6. Flick through an old favorite book & blog some favorite excerpts on your Tumblr (or whatever). Share beauteous words with the world to improve your culture karma!
7. Get your hands on a good/silly/strange board game (my recommendations: Scrabble, Imaginiff, Apples to Apples), gather a group of rowdy, clever friends, & have a good game or five. (Better yet, if you live in Toronto, go to Snakes & Lattes & meet some new friends!)
9. Use sleep deprivation like a mind-altering drug. Stay up really late - with caffeine, or without if you’re a purist - & do your art of choice for a few hours once you’re exhausted & foggy-headed. Don’t review the results until after you’ve slept & recovered.
10. Let a sartorially savvy friend dress you up (from your closet or theirs) & do your hair. Go out together. See what happens.
Sometimes femmes who are experiencing cramps or other associated menstrual discomfort will welcome a few quick orgasms for the sake of pain relief. Sometimes you will be much better off going across the street for Pringles, a Baby Ruth, and a few Boston Cream doughnuts. The correct query is:
Sweetheart, I’d be happy to do whatever would help you feel happier or more comfortable. Is there anything you can think of?
Practice in front of the mirror until you can say it with only the merest hint of sexual innuendo, or there’s every possibility that you’ll lose credit for the nice thought and get yelled at to stop always thinking about sex, get away from her, and go across the street for chocolate-covered pretzels and canned pears.
“She will always look cuter in your clothes than you do. Even if she is a substantially different size and all she can really wear of yours is your socks, they will still look cuter on her. What’s more, you will experience a strange rush of joy every time you see her in them.”—S. Bear Bergman, “Femme For Dummies”
“Ingenues make a choice. They can try to appeal to women, or they can try to appeal to men. What is appealing to men is threatening to women. If you want to appeal to both women and men, it is best to be “cute” rather than “hot.” If you are superhot and smart and want to appeal to both women and men, your name is Olivia Wilde and I wish you all the best of luck in your quest, lady. Loved you as Marissa’s girlfriend on The O.C.”—an article about Blake Lively
The power of [a penis]… isn’t yours, and once you forget that you run the risk of crossing lines no honorable person would cross. Any penetration is a grace offered to you by the person you’re inside; it is an intimate way of inclusion, a gift. No matter how hard or rough the fuck, no matter who is the top or bottom or anything else, no matter the genders of the participants, this is a world in which opening one’s self to someone else is always somewhere on the continuum between a gesture of welcome and an office of trust, and you should be grateful.
I have never come out of someone’s body without thanking them for the privilege, and even when my lovers have scoffed at me or insisted that I am the one who deserves thanks, I say it anyway. I am humbled and grateful. I know, too, that there are few better moments in which to make someone feel precious, and I hate to lose the opportunity.
“I show you what a struggle it is to remain a gentleman in the face of such sensuality every time you brush your skin against mine or let me get a whiff of your perfume, reapply your lipstick, or fuss with your hair: I want you to know that you’re enough to make a good dog break his leash, and that only my lifetime of practice in courtliness to femme things keeps me within the bounds of propriety, darlin’; that you’ll always have me close to the edge but also that I’ll never cross it.”—S. Bear Bergman, “Making Her Feel…”
a song/poem I wrote in the SIXTH GRADE which is still alarmingly relevant
I walk right past the ego freaks with perfect light blonde hair
To talk on to the scholar geeks, if only they would dare
I let right go of all the jerks who think they’re cool as ice
To hang onto the little quirks who’ll treat me really nice
So if you flash your shiny teeth between your cherry lips
Or if you show your sky blue eyes, your hair with bleach-blonde tips
I’ll turn around and search the grounds for guys who watch their shoes
I’ll chase them, play all night and day until I kill my blues
Send me glasses in a package, and it’s not enough
Wear ‘em free in front of me, and staying calm’ll be tough
I hope this phase won’t last forever, though I think it might
For me and geeks are fused together - it’s been proved tonight
-being a helpful maternal figure to people in need of advice or guidance
-exciting lists o’ plans
-ROSEDALE (thank you for the best 5 years of my life so far)
-being done high school!!!! but knowing I get to come back to Rosedale next year because I’ll be working there!!
-talking about sex - there are infinite conditions and relationships and fetishes and acts which make sex a literally endlessly fascinating subject
-signing yearbooks (and then crying over what people wrote in mine)
-my mega handsome loverboy
-the amazingly efficient Canadian healthcare system
-the new Fleet Foxes album, which makes my ears swoon and my hips dance
-spending 7 hours selling my late grandma’s antiques with people I love
-epic 20 Questions with Garth
-we are inheriting my grandmother’s creaky old piano and it will be mine when I move out (oh, sentiment)
-Akai Sushi, this random little place I found that had the best spicy salmon rolls and mango ice cream
-the beautiful Dinah Thorpe, whom I opened for, and her smart sexy savvy ukulele songs
-sunbathing in Bobcaygeon
-a speedboat ride across Pigeon Lake
-light lime beer
-“Can we spoon forever?”
-slowly slowly chipping away at my limitations
-talking it over
-Green Beanery + Good For Her jaunts with my beautiful ladyfriends
-anything Lelo has ever made
-Violet Blue’s guide to flirting with geeks, which was full of juicy revelations about why geeks make the best lovers
-making my Twitter public again! risk and freedom and progression!
-planning what I’m going to buy with my inheritance and knowing that my grandma would be totally psyched about my choices
-Anti-Prom is tomorrow!!!
-Pride Week kicks off tomorrow!!!
-tearing apart misconceptions about bisexuality
Someone just asked me in my ask box why I never do a “Things I Hate Thursday” post, or “Things That Really Piss Me Off.”
1. Focusing on negative things puts me in a bad mood.
2. Publishing negative things puts anyone who reads it in a bad mood.
3. Focusing on negative things creates more negative things.
4. Being anything but immensely grateful for this beautiful world is a humongous sin, in my eyes. The universe is the ultimate free lunch & if we don’t appreciate it, we are being the ultimate kind of disrespectful.
5. Life is short. There are limited present moments to enjoy, so it’s our job to enjoy every single present moment that we possibly can. That means focusing on the positive with all our mental energy at any given moment & really reveling in it. Anything else is useless, counterintuitive, & a colossal fuck-you to this magnificent universe.
In short, positivity is miraculous & it is my everlasting goal in life; that is why I don’t, & will never, do “Things I Hate Thursday” posts or anything even remotely similar to that.
“The recipe for joy is to create beautiful things, share beautiful things, and appreciate beautiful things. And beautiful things are anything that lights up people, opens their hearts, gives them opportunities, gives them freedom, makes them joyful.”—John Halcyon Styn
Tell everyone you know: ‘My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.’ And then demonstrate it.
Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what.
And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel—and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good.