So I went back to his profile page and typed a private message: “I hope that night has haunted you. I was naïve and a virgin. I see you have a teenage daughter now. Better keep her safe from guys like you.”
“You know, a woman who asks, “How can I dress to hide my chubby thighs?” is not really in need of the perfect pair of jeans. What she actually needs is a major dose of self-acceptance, & to realise that she is beautiful as she is, right here & right now.”—Gala Darling
“Remember: When you feel stuck, ensnared, entangled & embroiled, you have a choice. You can choose to see the magic & the wonder — even though it might be difficult — or you can choose to focus on the problems. You’ll always get more of what you think about.”—Gala Darling
I am 100% opposed to SOPA and PIPA, even though I’m one of the artists they were allegedly written to protect. I’ve probably lost a few hundred dollars in my life to what the MPAA and RIAA define as piracy, and that sucks, but that doesn’t come close to how much money I’ve lost from a certain studio’s creative accounting.
The RIAA and MPAA are, again, on the wrong side of history. Attempting to tear apart one of the single greatest communications achievements in human history in a misguided attempt to cling to an outdated business model instead of adapting to the changing world is a fucking crime.
A free and open Internet is as important to me as the bill of rights. I don’t want the government of one country — especially the corporate-controlled United States government — to exert unilateral control over the Internet for any reason, especially not because media corporations want to buy legislation that won’t do anything to actually stop online piracy, but will expand the American police state, and destroy the Internet as we know it.
Please contact your Senators and US Representatives, and tell them to vote NO on SOPA and ProtectIP. The future of the Internet — and the present we take for granted — depend on it.
I’m 19 years old. I live with my parents, my little brother, and my lazy cat.
I have a part-time job as a high school improv coach and another part-time job as a customer service rep for a catering company. I volunteer at an LGBT organization.
I’ve had an online presence since I was nine, though it’s become much more refined in the last four years. I play piano, ukulele, and guitar. I sing, and write my own songs, and learn to play other people’s songs. I write online about my life, my spirituality, my relationships, my challenges, my advice. I take photos and post them. I document myself and what’s going on around me.
I believe in the law of attraction. It’s gotten me to where I am now. I like to talk to people about how to manifest things - success stories, methods, wisdom.
I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love very much. He’s a game designer. He’s also the best man I know.
I’m currently finishing up my applications for journalism schools. I’m hoping that I get into Ryerson and/or Centennial. I’ll start in September. I want to study journalism even though I don’t really want to be a journalist, because I love to write and I think a J-school degree would be a good thing for me to have.
My favorite composer is Stephen Sondheim. My favorite singer is Stacey Kent. My favorite color is royal blue. My favorite movie is High Fidelity. My favorite song is Stop This Train by John Mayer. My favorite actor is Tim Robbins. My favorite piece of clothing is a black cashmere Ralph Lauren sweater. My favorite fantasy is a huge, extravagant, blue and white wedding, despite the fact that I think marriage is a highly outdated convention that probably wouldn’t work for me in the long-term.
I like to dress like a sexy female clown. I like to wear my makeup like I’m a SuicideGirl. I like fancy cupcakes, good sex, Reverie Sound Revue, natural beauty products, and ginger tea.
-a worn and tattered old copy of Lolita, which inspired me to make this list. given to me by a long-term admirer who has nice hair and draws cartoons. I read this copy of this novel for the most important project of my high school career - my grade 12 English ISU (essentially the secondary school equivalent of a thesis) - and got a mark of 100 on the essay. (I brag about this shamelessly to anyone who will listen, so, my apologies if I’ve already talked your ear off about said essay.)
-a pastel- and milky coffee-colored shawl knitted by my great-uncle (who passed away in December 2010) for my grandmother (who passed away in October 2010). when they were cleaning out her house, I asked if they would save any Ev-knit scarves for me. they gave me the one she used to wear all the time for warmth. it smells like hot meals and cups of tea and soap opera marathons and nostalgic perfume.
-a big round yellow mug. Cadence and I each bought the same one while spending the day perusing IKEA + Crate & Barrel together. we refer to them as our “friendship mugs.” I use mine all the time for delicious hot beverages, including the wonderful green tea she bought me for Christmas.
-a very vivid rainbow wristcuff. my first-ever Etsy purchase, bought to wear to my first-ever Pride, just days after coming out as bi. it has accompanied me to every Pride since, not to mention several other queer events.
-a worn and tattered, illustrated love poem scribed for me by my first girlfriend, who was (and is) a gorgeous poet and artist. it contains such gems as “i once was a was, but now i be” and a drawing of her history teacher yelling at her for skipping class to buy me flowers. my cat peed on this poem (literally; i’m not joking) and i dried it out and kept it because it is, perhaps, the first major artifact of my romantic life.
-a sweater my grandmother made me for my first day of grade one. the buttons are miniature school supplies - rulers, pencils, apples. it still fits and it’s still cozy as hell.
"Having AIDS is in no way related to being gay any more than it is related to being straight or African or a sex worker or anything else. In North America, the demographic with the fastest growing HIV infection rate is straight white women in their teens and twenties, not in the gay population. Whose HIV status should you be worried about? Anyone who is not careful with protection and regular testing."
Honestly, people can be so stupid. You need to do research before making claims like that, for fuck’s sake. Stereotypes are not statistics!
“I don’t trust people who don’t masturbate. If you can’t get down with your private parts, you’re going to be no fun when you’re getting down with someone else.”—Thought Catalog, “Ten Reasons Why Masturbating Can Be Better Than Sex”
Because I believe in avoiding sadness when possible, I give you…
20 THINGS TO DO ON BLUE MONDAY TO COMBAT DEPRESSION!
1. Put on really excellent, upbeat music (if you have the foresight, ask your friend to make you a fast-paced mix CD). Get out some paper and paints (or other art supplies of your choice) and play around for an hour or two.
2. Make a playlist of YouTube videos that uplift you. Watch them all and take notes.
3. Dig up a book or movie you absolutely loved when you were a kid, and enjoy!
5. Buy, make, or unearth something new to wear. Don it and take self-portraits.
6. Write a list of affirmations, then go somewhere private, preferably with a mirror, and shout or announce them as loud as you feasibly can, while jumping up and down and conjuring joyful feelings inside your body.
7. Set a big, exciting goal, and take one significant step toward achieving it.
8. Rent (or torrent) a comedy film you’ve never seen that is actually funny and actually good. (Hint: most mainstream comedies made in the past 10 years don’t fall into this category, though if you insist, something starring Will Ferrell is usually a decent bet.) Invite some friends over, if you like. Guffaw for a while.
9. Meditate for 5+ minutes while focusing intently on one or more extremely happy experiences you’ve had in your life. Make a little list in advance if you’re the forgetful type. Relive those wonderful feelings.
10. Write a love letter. Could be for a lover, a friend, a crush, the checkout girl at the used bookstore, the barista who makes your lattes, your pet, your neighbor, or even yourself. Sending it is optional but preferred.
11. Go on Etsy and spend a long time window-shopping for something you really need, or have been wanting for a while (goat’s milk soap? purple eyeshadow? a white stuffed bear? a pillow emblazoned with Alec Baldwin’s face?). Add the best ones to your favorites and then go through them and make detailed charts to decide which one to buy. Then buy it, all the while revelling in how great you are for supporting independent craftsters, and eagerly and excitedly await the package’s arrival in your mailbox.
12. Do your hair and/or makeup in a way you usually don’t (yes, even if you’re a boy). If you like how it turns out, take pictures and/or go for a walk.
13. Indulge (safely and sanely) in an intoxicating substance. (I’ve been known to devour a bar of ginger dark chocolate when I want to force myself to be creative or energetic. It’s surprisingly effective at getting me into the vortex as well.)
14. Divide a page of your notebook into two columns: “What’s not working in my life?” and “What can I do to fix it?” Implement at least one of those changes right away.
15. Do something physically active and ideally kind of mindless. Run on a treadmill. Go for a walk. Follow along with a yoga video. Hula hoop. Stretch. Do jumping jacks.
16. Build a Sanctuary of Comfort, whatever that means to you. Maybe you want a blanket fort, or a bed with a lot of pillows, or a tent filled with Christmas lights. Stock it with your favorite warm beverage and your favorite entertaining distractions. Don’t take your phone in with you. Luxuriate.
17. Make up extravagant fictional characters, who are perhaps similar to the type of person you envision as your “best self,” and write stories about what they’re doing on Blue Monday.
18. Write yourself a long, congratulatory letter pointing out all your successes of the past year. Be proud of yourself - you’ve come a long way.
19. Sit in a café and people-watch. Eavesdrop. Send telepathic blessings to people who seem downtrodden, and telepathic congratulations to people who seem awesome and happy.
20. Think of your own unique, creative, life-affirming, depression-dismissing way to commemorate and celebrate Blue Monday. Maybe it’ll be a new yearly tradition for you.
Esther (channeling Abraham) says that when you go through shitty relationships, or when you have a tough break-up, or whatever, you should look at it as “data collecting.”
Anytime you have a negative experience, you know what you don’t want more acutely than ever before, and so you know what you do want very acutely as well.
All those positive, wanted things end up in your vortex - the reality that is waiting for you to come get it by being in a consistently good mood - your “vibrational escrow.” So a shitty relationship just means there’s an even better relationship waiting for you in your vortex.
I’ve heard Esther express this idea dozens of times on different subjects, but I guess it never hit home until just now when she was discussing it in reference to relationships specifically.
I know that I had to go through a few mediocre relationships before getting to where I’m at now. Each one was an improvement on the last: #1 was emotionally evasive, so #2 was emotionally devoted; #2 held little appeal for me, so #3 was someone I really really wanted; #3 was uncommitted, so #4 is hugely committed.
Damian is the culmination of all my romance-related “rockets of desire” thus far. One of my exes was kind of dumb, so I asked for intelligence and I got it in Damian. One of my exes did drugs, so I asked for sobriety and I got it in Damian. One of my exes was timid and afraid, so I asked for bravery and initiative and I got it in Damian.
It’s interesting how this works - and it really, really does. I’m not encouraging anyone to purposely subject themselves to bad experiences in order to reap better ones, but if you’ve just gone through something really awful, take comfort in reminding yourself that all the solutions to those recently-arisen problems are waiting in your vortex and you just have to allow them to flow into your life.
I'm watching a video of Esther Hicks and she just made a really excellent point:
It was in reference to the Abraham-Hicks ideology that you need to focus on your own happiness first in order to be able to bring happiness to others - and the fact that some people claim that this is “selfish.”
Esther said (and I’m paraphrasing here), “It’s selfish for me to want to please me, so instead you just want me to please you? Who’s the selfish one here?!”
I’m sad to report that my attempts at trying out different face soaps have not been successful thus far, so I’ve returned to my mainstay, good old DivaWash - it doesn’t strip my skin of moisture, so I get soft skin without even needing to moisturize.
I tried going back to Lush Coalface, which I used for years and swore by when I was about 13-16. I guess my skin was pretty different back then, because now Coalface makes me break out, and I absolutely have to apply a moisturizer afterward (FYI, the only moisturizer I use, which cures all my skin problems, is virgin coconut oil, bought by the jar at a health food store). I still have quite a large bar of Coalface left; not sure what I’m gonna do with it now.
I also tried out African black soap, which makes a lovely shampoo and body wash but just doesn’t agree with my face. It’s too drying, despite containing shea butter.
“So here’s my disclaimer. I know a lot of people dislike Valentine’s Day because it’s such an exercise in consumerism. I have heard “Why should we only celebrate love on one day?!” as an argument more than enough times. Fair enough. I hear you. I’ve got your number. But — let me be blatantly honest here — that doesn’t give you an excuse to be a mean, party-pooping tight-ass. You might think you’re being awesome & anti-establishment but your girlfriend still feels bad when everyone but her gets flowers. Okay? So do something. Anything. It doesn’t have to cost money! Give your partner a great massage, make their favourite meal, go for a walk & have a good discussion about something, whatever you like — just be as cool a person as you know you can be!”—Gala Darling
Q. My biggest issue is getting rid of things that where given as a present by people I care about.
A. Free yourself of this guilt. Your loved ones gave you the gifts to make you happy, not to burden you for life, not to make you feel guilty. Allow yourself to be happy, and only keep things if they’re making you happy.
Hello! I'm just writing to say that I totally love your blog! I've spent most of my life dealing with depression, so my main resolution this year is to actively seek happiness. Your posts on radical self love and combating negativity are absolutely marvelous and help a lot. :)
“Feel good no matter what! Practice “feeling” yourself into alignment instead of thinking. Thinking about what you want or what you’re grateful for helps you get started, but begin to imagine how you would elevate your mood without thinking about it. At first, it may feel like pushing a boulder uphill with the top of your head. But it works, and I’m looking for ways to make it easier!”—Jessica Mullen
I get it—you’re a decent guy. I can even believe it. You’ve never raped anybody. You would NEVER rape anybody. You’re upset that all these feminists are trying to accuse you of doing something, or connect you to doing something, that, as far as you’re concerned, you’ve never done and would never condone.
And they’ve told you about triggers, and PTSD, and how one in six women is a survivor, and you get it. You do. But you can’t let every time someone gets all upset get in the way of you having a good time, right? Especially when it doesn’t mean anything. Rape jokes have never made YOU go out and rape someone. They never would; they never could. You just don’t see how it matters.
I’m going to tell you how it does matter. And I tell you this because I genuinely believe you mean it when you say you don’t want to hurt anybody, and that it’s important to you to do your best to be a decent and good person, and that you don’t see the harm. And I genuinely believe you when you say you would never associate with a rapist and you think rape really is a very bad thing.
Here is why I refuse to take rape jokes sitting down…
Because 6% of college-aged men, slightly over 1 in 20, will admit to raping someone in anonymous surveys, as long as the word “rape” isn’t used in the description of the act—and that’s the conservative estimate. Other sources double that number (pdf).
A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?
They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again.
Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape, and other men just keep it hushed up better. And more, these people who really are rapists are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of mankind being rapists like them by things like rape jokes, that dismiss and normalize the idea of rape.
If one in twenty guys (or more) is a real and true rapist, and you have any amount of social activity with other guys like yourself, then it is almost a statistical certainty that one time hanging out with friends and their friends, playing Halo with a bunch of guys online, in a WoW guild, in a pick-up game of basketball, at a bar, or elsewhere, you were talking to a rapist. Not your fault. You can’t tell a rapist apart any better than anyone else can. It’s not like they announce themselves.
But, here’s the thing. It’s very likely that in some of these interactions with these guys, at some point or another, someone told a rape joke. You, decent guy that you are, understood that they didn’t mean it, and it was just a joke. And so you laughed.
Or maybe you didn’t laugh. Maybe it just wasn’t a very funny joke. So maybe you just didn’t say anything at all.
And, decent guy who would never condone rape, who would step in and stop rape if he saw it, who understands that rape is awful and wrong and bad, when you laughed? When you were silent?
That rapist who was in the group with you, that rapist thought that you were on his side. That rapistknew that you were a rapist like him. And he felt validated, and he felt he was among his comrades.
You. The rapist’s comrade.
And if that doesn’t make you feel sick to your stomach, if that doesn’t make you want to throw up, if that doesn’t disturb you or bother you or make you feel like maybe you should at least consider not participating in that kind of humor anymore, not abiding it in your presence, not greeting it with silence…
Well, maybe you aren’t as opposed to rapists as you claim.
Jessica Mullen's latest post about shining like the stars was so so so inspirational for me. I have a request for you: do you think that you could do a post/article on tips and tricks to use in order to focus all of one's energy on the now and on their dreams rather than on worrying or negativity. I think that kind of post would be awesome.
Ways to focus on the now, conjure what you want, and stop worrying:
1. As Jessica Mullen recommends: count in your head. One, two, three, four… Get up to eight and start back at one, or just keep going for as long as you want. It’s hard to worry too much when you’re focused on numbers.
2. Meditate. Get a good meditation soundtrack, something soft and probably with rain sounds in the background, and put that on. Set up dim lighting if you’ve got it. Close your eyes, or look at a flickering candle flame. Focus on the sounds, sights, smells, sensations around you. Focus on the way your breath feels going in and out of your nose or your lungs. Focus on your heartbeat and the way your body feels from the inside. When random thoughts come into your head, notice them and gently let them pass - don’t force them out, don’t beat yourself up, just let them go. Gradually this gets easier. Set a timer for 5 minutes, or 10, or however many you think you’d like to do.
3. Look around you and make a mental list of things that are awesome about this moment. These things can be as mundane as “my feet feel wonderful in these nice warm socks.” If you’re really at a loss, try things like, “I’m not blind.” “My body is intact.” “I have a roof over my head.” Go from there.
4. Close your eyes and conjure the feeling of ecstatic joy. I find it easiest to create the physical feeling of joy (e.g. stomach butterflies, shivers of delight), but you might find it works better for you to start from emotional stimulus (e.g. visualizations of exciting events from the past or future). Stay in that space for as long as possible.
5. Make up a list of affirmations which resonate powerfully for you, and then yell them joyfully. (It depends on what you’re trying to manifest or work on, but some good ones are: “I am sexy and beautiful!” “I attract love everywhere I go!” “My body is magnificent!” “I have more money than I know what to do with!” See Louise L. Hay’s brilliant book You Can Heal Your Life for many, many more.)
6. Make a written gratitude list. I don’t know why a gratitude mindset is easier to achieve through writing, but it is. Start every sentence with “I am so grateful…” I aim to fill up a page every day with this kind of writing, preferably soon after I wake up, so it’ll set the tone for the rest of the day. (Depending on my mood, I also like to start sentences like this: “I love…” “Wouldn’t it be nice…?” “I want…” “FUCK YEAH…!”)
7. Do something that feels physically good - cuddle with a pet, take a hot bath, masturbate, do yoga, whatever - and really focus on those nice sensations. Notice the details of the way you’re feeling. How would you describe those feelings in words?
8. Make something with your hands. Something creative and preferably something that will make someone else feel good, like a thank-you card, a love letter, or a portrait. Sit in a comfortable place with your favorite creativity supplies, put on some good music, and get to work. Focus fully on your project until it’s finished, and then bask in the glorious feeling of accomplishment.
9. Set up a Tumblog - it can be private or password-protected, if you’d prefer - and for a whole month, document everything that makes you happy. Take photos of excellent meals. Write bragadocious posts about how great you are. Describe your magnificent outfits. Make videos of yourself shakin’ your bootay. Note the silly conversations you have with friends. Whatever makes you feel good during that month, keep it all in one place, and refer back to it whenever you need a pick-me-up.
10. Make a playlist of songs that ALWAYS make you feel awesome. (Here’s mine!) Go through your whole music library; do a really thorough job of seeking out the perfect songs. Then listen to the whole playlist while congratulating yourself on your awesome musical taste.
11. Make a list of 50-100 things you can do to cheer yourself up - things that you know work for you. Post the list someplace where you’ll see it a lot, like in the front of your planner or on your bedroom mirror. Refer to it when necessary.
12. When you have a problem you need to solve, a bad mood you need to get out of, an epiphany you need to stumble upon, or are just bored, go for a walk. Don’t bring your headphones, don’t obsessively check your phone. Just be alone with your thoughts and the rhythm of your steps for a while. See what comes into your head.
13. When all else fails, snuggle up under a blanket, put on a movie or TV show that never fails to make you laugh, and recede into the oblivion of comedy for a bit. You’ll feel better when you come back to real life afterward. (Naps also work well for this purpose.)
Woke up in my lover’s arms.
Received my order from Sugarpill, which I’d been eagerly awaiting for weeks.
Took a really terrific shower with my new handmade black soap.
Got dressed cute and fancy with super sparkly makeup.
Went to my weekly volunteer shift, where I hung out talking about sex with cool people for 3 hours and took my first call.
Dad drove me and mom to a party at her friend Jaymz's downtown loft.
Drank good wine and chatted with strangers.
Got invited to play a song for the room, so played Best I Ever Had for the room.
Received several compliments from several very talented people on my performance.
Walked my tipsy mother to a McDonald’s, where we bought dinner and then hopped in a cab.
Now I’m home, relaxin’. Pretty deece.
This is an excerpt from an interview I did with Preston Charles, who was the first black gay man on MTV’s The Real World, and who recently produced the “Coming Out” special for MTV.
“So tell me about your coming out,” I say, probing.
“I was 17, when I hooked up with a boy for the first time. He had the most beautiful lips and these green eyes that pierced your soul. It was amazing; he had this huge cock that curved to the right.”
“See, this is the real coming out story!” I interrupt — “This is what you talk about!”
“This is what you talk about! Holding onto a cock was magical! It was the magic wand, the horn of the unicorn. So, this was huge for me and I told three of my closest friends. But it wasn’t long before it got around the entire school. And really no one suspected I was gay in high school. I was the black kid but I wasn’t the gay kid!”
At this point Preston had a decision to make. Did he stand up for who he was, who he wanted to become? Or did he stay in the closet?
“I walked into my second hour class. I had tunnel vision, I couldn’t see anyone, I just went to the front of the class and started screaming like I was on a mountaintop… ‘FUUUUCKKK YOOUUUUU. I’M GAY. I SUCK DICK. I LIKE IT A LOT!’” Preston says in a demonic tone.
“That is not what you said!” I laugh.
“If I had the hindsight I do now, I would have come out screaming that. But really I just said, “Yes, the rumors are true. I like men. If you don’t like me because of that, fuck you.”
This is the attitude everyone should have when coming out. I know it’s not always possible to come out this way and still be safe, but this is the ideal.
“Continually plugging away at something which doesn’t light your fire has never — & will never — inspire anything wonderful. It just creates mediocrity, & the world doesn’t need any more of that. Better to take a break & come back to things once you’ve filled your soul back up.”—Gala Darling